One Day

I keep thinking about my one day. One day, I’ll have my own place. I’ll have my own furry pet. My car will be in my name, and I’ll be covering my own insurance. I’ll never have to ask my friends to help me by buying me dinner, or helping with gas because if they don’t help me I can’t do those things. One day I’m going to get on a plane and I am going to explore the world.

One day I may even meet someone who I can come home to.

I know I’m not there at all right now. I’m trying and looking at what I need to do in order to at least hit that first part. The first step is to pay off the debts I have. Which is a lot right now. But I know I can do it. It’s just going to take time.

In other news.

This was actually a very productive week for me. In a sucky and good way. I developed a migraine that lasted for three days. The only reason it stopped was that I gave in and went to go see a doctor. Which was kind of huge for me. The doctor I saw was not my primary care doctor. It was someone who works with her though. And she took me seriously. On every single thing that I brought up to her. Including my mental health. And she gave me two prescriptions for medication to treat my depression and anxiety that I know works. I have my Wellbutrin back. I have some Xanax. And I can already feel a difference in how I’m feeling and doing.

It’s really kind of amazing.

I also helped a couple friends of mine start the packing up process of their home. I sat down and took a serious look at my financial situation and talked with someone at my bank about how I can improve my life and credit score. I actually firmly established a boundary with someone.

And I actually sat and thought about one day. Which I haven’t been able to do in too long.

Sneezes

Why are sneezes compared to orgasms? Like, why is there that saying that if you sneeze enough times, it’s like you had an orgasm? I think it’s eight. Eight sneezes is supposed to be comparable to one orgasm.

HOWEVER!

That isn’t true at all! Orgasms are fun. They feel good. A sneeze is never fun and never feels good. They always feel like a violent attack by your nose and face and if your lucky you don’t punch yourself in the face because you go to cover your mouth because your sneezing and your head jerks right that crook of your elbow.

What the fuck society. That saying needs to stop.

Closure

I had dinner tonight with my former fiancee. He had come in from out the east coast because he wanted to talk to me. And. I was hesitant.

This is a man who emotionally and mentally abused me our entire relationship. He had me so detached from myself that I secluded myself from everyone in my life. I would only make myself available to him. I would only allow myself to touch him. Which is saying something, considering our relationship was long distance.

He wanted to talk. He promised all he wanted was to talk. And to give me the money he owed me.

What he really wanted to remind me of what he thought of me. That I’m a whore and a slut. That I deserved to be sick and should not have gotten cured. That it’s surprising anyone hired me. That it’s even more surprising that anyone wants to be with me. Because I am worthless and weak. I always have been. I always will be. Worst of all, I’ve disappointed him. I’ve made him unhappy.

He also wanted me to talk to his current fiancee. She’s apparently hesitant to go through with the marriage. I owed it to him for all the times I failed him and disappointed him to assure her that marrying him was the right thing to do.

I took the money he owed me. Said no. And got up and left.

And it was like this chain I had no idea I was still wearing snapped off me. Something that has been lightly suffocating me since I came out of the daze I was living in and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore just left.

I am better than he says I am. I am worth my friends love and friendship. If my partners didn’t want to be with me they wouldn’t have been with me. I am a hard worker and do my best every single day I am at work. I am reliable and resourceful. And if I was meant to still be sick – I would still be sick. I wouldn’t have gone into remission.

I am not weak, for the days that I struggle to get out of bed. I’m not weak because I struggle to feel anything most days.

I went to the Disney store before I met him. I’ve been going to something Disney at least once a week all month. I never felt anything while I was there. Today I did. There was a wild burst of joy and light that I almost completely forgot what it was like to experience. Which… immediately overwhelmed me and made me break down crying in the middle of the store. But I felt something. For the first time in weeks, I felt something.

And then I did something I don’t think I would have done a couple weeks ago.

I am… extraordinarily proud of myself right now.

It may be time to put that gift card my friends got me on my birthday to use.

Three

I got into a weird argument with my friends over something silly last week.

We had gotten into a conversation about where we would rate on the one to ten attractiveness scale. And for the most part, everyone rated themselves six or seven. My boyfriend rated himself an eight. They all see themselves above average.

I wouldn’t give that to myself. I gave myself a three.

Which sparked a lot of no, that’s not true. That’s not what you are. And I understand that they don’t see me that way. But I got upset. Because, with the exception of my boyfriend (who even then, I slightly disagreed with), I thought what they rated themselves was too low. I was upset because they kept, and keep, telling me I’m wrong.

I know where I put myself on that stupid scale says a lot more about my own self-image than it does anything else. And I know that it’s something I need to work on. That’s always been something that I’ve needed to work on. But I wish that I was able to get it across to them that it’s just. How I see myself. And maybe one day it will change. But right now I see someone not that attractive. More than not that attractive.

I don’t. It’s stupid but it’s been bothering me for a week now.

Hit and Run

I got hit by a motorcycle today.

I’m okay. I’m angry. Which is nice because hey emotions! But man. This really, really sucks.

The motorcycle didn’t stop to see if he had damaged my car. Which he had. He was trying to squeeze between me and the car next to me and misjudged badly. He even had the nerve to turn around and look at me before speeding away through a red light to get away from me.

Thankfully the damage only looks cosmetic right now. The bumper is pulled out a little. And there’s a big chunk of paint missing. But otherwise the car is driving fine.

I want to know why things like this keep happening. Why I will have something okay or good happen and immediately have it followed by something bad.

I really want this to stop y’all. I really do.

Surprise!

I am very proud of myself.

I have a friend who has believed his birthday to be cursed for as long as I have known him. And last year was probably the worst I have ever seen his birthday get. So, shortly after the new year. I made a decision. I was going to do what I could to make this years birthday for him as good as I could.

The timing of movies helped a lot. And our friend’s willingness to make each other cry.

His birthday was this past Friday. I organized a group outing after much begging and pleading and finally agreeing to not blindly be afraid of an entire month for him to agree to even do something that day. But he agreed. So a large group of friends gathered to watch Godzilla: King of Monsters. Which was really good. It still had the issue of having too many people in the movie – but there were so many monsters it kind of made up for that.

It was a good Friday night. It was a good actual birthday. And he was pleased and touched which was good.

He was also in no way prepared for Saturday.

The big part of me working hard to make his birthday good was pulling together a bunch of gifts. And a surprise party. And with help. Both were done. I am still in shock that he didn’t catch on until literally the very last second. I am not a great liar when it comes to him. I am especially not good at keeping secrets from him. But I stuck my guns to we were going to run my game and started giving some details about things that could potentially happen in the game. I “disguised” my car when I parked. He saw my car, but because none of the distinctive things were there marking it as my car. He dismissed it.

He deserved all the love and attention he got those two days. He did cry. And I am ridiculously proud I was able to pull this off.

It’s good to show your friends you love them. It’s good for them to see how much people care about them.

Magikarp

I had a stupid, silly realization yesterday that lead to a panic attack where I was on the floor struggling to breathe for twenty minutes. It felt like every nerve was on fire and paralyzed. I couldn’t find my inhaler which made it worse. But I did find my manatee. And my space llama. And I just laid there sobbing for a while clutching onto the two of them like life preservers and I was trapped in the middle of the ocean with no rescue boat in sight.

Because I realized I am a fucking Magikarp.

I’m pretty useless as far as just. General usefulness goes. I rely on so many people who take care of me and do the simplest things like making sure I am eating. Because I don’t remember to eat. I spend a lot of my life flailing and not actually doing anything. And most people don’t actually want me. Not like this anyway. Some keep me because some sketchy con man in a trenchcoat convinced them they should have me and sometimes that sketchy con man is me but it’s always a disappointment that oh look it’s just a freaking Magikarp that does NOTHING but splash and be useless.

Magikarp does do something cool though. Eventually. With time.  Magikarp becomes Gyarados, one of the strongest pokemon. At least it was when there was only 151 of them and I knew more about pokemon in general. And a lot of people want a Gyarados. Or wanted. This becomes a lot less happy and inspirational when we factor in the fact that I don’t know a lot about Pokemon anymore.

Moving on.

I’m useless right now. I’m a depressed person struggling to function on their own. But one day I’m going to not be struggling and be okay. One day I’ll stop being Magikarp and be a Gyarados. But right now I’m a Magikarp. And that’s okay.

Image result for magikarp

I just need to remember this isn’t forever and always. And that I’m not a pokemon with no evolution. I can evolve into better.

Bad Week

It has been a bad week.

  • It started with me having to cut a person out of my life that I cared about.
  • I had basically nothing but bad days at work all week.
  • There was an STI scare. With an extreme expense. That has been mostly resolved but has lead to a harder decision.
  • School has caused another expense.
  • I have struggled to feel anything. For weeks. But this week on top of that kind of what should be a terrifying numb, I was also randomly bursting into tears.
  • This happened at work. A lot.
  • Relationship changes. Just. I don’t want to get into that.

I’ve been dealing with this the best I can. I have been. I think.

It’s kind of hard to tell.

The good though, is that I am done with probation after this week. And I’ll have medical insurance. Which will help with the numbness hopefully?

I’m going to San Diego next week.

I just. I don’t know what to do.

I have a lot of debt and I don’t know what to do about that either.