Something Hopeful

I told my therapist I would journal more. And I’ve just stared at the screen for hours, not sure what to write. I still feel really depressed and kind of hopeless. I’m trying to counteract that. So… I guess let’s look at the things that are good in my life right now.

  • I’ve been getting a lot of interviews. No offers so far, but I have two interviews lined up this week, and a recruiter with another possibility lined up.
  • My computer works properly again. It hasn’t been able to play video games for months, and it randomly started working again last week.
  • I was approved to be a notary. I need to go file my bond and get my seal still, but I’m a notary now.
  • I have the best friends and support system a person could have.
  • I have one friend in particular who is constantly battling my negative thoughts and depression spirals, and I am so grateful to have him in my life.
  • I have Riley, who’s an idiot, but she’s my little idiot.
  • I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on every night. Even if that bed is sometimes over-taken by pugs who love me and feel safe enough to sleep in my bed.
  • I have my Disneyland Magic Key, and go at least once a month, and that is a balm I cannot begin to fully describe.

Things aren’t all bad all the time. It’s something I forget a lot. But maybe if I remember this little list, and add to it as time goes by. It’ll stick. I’d like to remember that there is always a little hope and a little joy in each passing day.

Routine

I’ve been incredibly sick for the past week. It hasn’t stopped me from searching for a new job, or taking interviews. Which maybe it should have, since I didn’t get those jobs and I know I was not at my best.

I’ve fallen into a routine.

  • I sleep. A lot. Except at night. Then I’m on TikTok.
  • I apply for at least 5 different law firms. I’m grateful there are so many law firms in Los Angeles.
  • I spend 30 minutes cleaning a foot of space in my room.
  • I write nonsense. And delete the nonsense.
  • I bother my dog.

It’s not a lot. But its all I’ve been doing and I kind of hate it. I miss having work to do. I also miss the world not being difficult to breathe in and coughing not being a regular thing and also my nose just won’t stop running. I feel like my life stopped and I want it to start again.

Fired

10 days ago I was fired from my job. Let go is the polite way of putting it, but it all boils down to the same thing. After nearly 5 years, I find myself unemployed again.

I’m grieving the loss of this job. I loved the company, and I loved my coworkers. Sure, I didn’t love the commute every day and the traffic I’d have to deal with. But I was good at my job. I did my best there. And it feels like, despite the reason not being performance-related, my best wasn’t good enough.

I’m not doing fantastically. I sleep most of the day now to avoid thinking too much. I play with Riley when I am up. And apply for a new job on LinkedIn, Ziprecruiter and Indeed. I’ve already had one interview, and I have another one scheduled for next week. I am taking steps to move forward. It’s just difficult to manage.

I’m terrified about losing my insurance. I applied for Medi-Cal, but I don’t know if Kaiser will accept it. Which means I’m at risk of losing all of my mental health medications. Which puts me at a much higher risk of hurting myself somehow. I’m scared to be off my medication. Not only the mental health ones, but the ones that manage my blood condition and my diabetes, too.

I just have to move through the fear. And stay vigilant. And keep taking the small steps forward.

Aging

I just turned 37. Yesterday, in fact. And I feel like a loser.

I have very few prospects, if any. I live with my parents and I’m unable to move out. I’m facing possibly being homeless as a result because they may need to move. I’m in debt. I’m working on getting out of debt, which is a big part of why I can’t afford to move out. I can’t afford to take care of Riley, who means everything to me, without help.

I can’t afford to take care of me without help.

This isn’t how I pictured my life. I saw myself as independent already. Maybe with a family at this point. Instead, I’m single, with no prospects, because what do I possibly have to offer someone?

I’m kind of spiraliing through these thoughts. They keep swirling in my head and its all I can hear which is impressive because I’m watching Cats with my best friend. That musical demands attention, and I’m masking for my friend, and still this is all I hear.

I know I’m impressive to my friends. And that helps some. I just. I don’t know. I’m not happy. And I don’t see a future where I am happy anymore.

Thought Bubbles

The year finally feels like it’s starting. I’ve been housesitting since December 23rd. Last night was the first night I spent in my own bed in a month. I missed my bed. I didn’t miss Izzie and Luna joining me in bed in the middle of the night as much, but I did miss them.

The time away gave me time to reflect on my home situation. The first step is to get my space clean and keep it clean. I don’t like living in a mess, and that’s what home is right now. I also need to save for more than just travel purposes. I want my own space one day. Somewhere where I am not reliant on someone else to live there. Someplace that’s mine.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling very sad today. Sad and lonely. I spent a few hours trying to work out why to no avail. It’s just a mood. My therapist says I should keep track of my moods more in journals. This is the closest I have to one.

This entry is a mess. But so am I. A very scatterbrained inattentive mess.

Stood Up

I got stood up by my therapist tonight. We usually just do check-ins, making sure I’m not going off in those fun manic ways. But I actually needed to talk to someone tonight. The person I paid to talk to just didn’t show up, and it looks like he canceled all my future appointments.

I’m not quite sure what to make of that.

I’ve been in a weird to me state where everything seems to be okay. I have things under control. Except for my anxiety. And now depression. For no reason as far as I can decipher. There is literally nothing wrong with my life right now and I cannot stop panicking and I’m stuck in this bubble of hopelessness and I can see things are better. And I can’t stop feeling the way I’ve been feeling. It is incredibly frustrating, which feeds into everything.

Maybe it’s the time of year. I usually struggle at the end of the year because I’m not doing what I typically do, which is baking up a storm of cookies, cupcakes, and more. It was my challenge to myself. And I hate it. But at the same time, it takes a load of stress off me because I don’t have to figure out what to do with all of the baked goods.

A large part of me wonders if I was discharged from treatment too soon. If I shouldn’t have gone to Discovery after my hospitalization and instead gone to a residential treatment facility. I think I’m still broken in ways I don’t know how to fix myself. And I desperately want to not be broken anymore.

I really wish my therapist didn’t stand me up tonight.

Spooky Ookyness

The spooky month has just started. I’ve already done the two major spooky events I am this year – Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood, and Dark Harbor at the Queen Mary. One, I do every year, and the other, I may never go back and do again.

The Dark Harbor event was just poorly organized and very overcrowded. It took two attempts just to go to the event because the parking got moved to a public lot with a free shuttle, except they hadn’t said where the shuttle pick-up was. The event would have been over in a couple hours by the time we found it. They gave us free tickets after we said something about how any sign or notification of where the shuttle was would have been nice to have. And that went better. We got on the shuttle after searching for it since it moved and were able to enter the event. We only did two mazes, the lines were insanely long for the other four. The mazes were very long, with some nice detail. But there weren’t enough scare-actors per maze, and each maze had points that were definitely not handicap friendly. I did have a good time, especially since I remembered to bring my noise-canceling headphones. My friend got an amusing amount of BBQ pork on a very nice stick. And I accidentally got a free funnel cake.

Horror Nights, as an event, was excellent. I did several of the mazes – at least I did all the ones I cared about doing. I was most impressed with the Insidious and The Quiet Place mazes. The attention to detail, jump scares, props, and sets were excellent. I had been very doubtful about how a scare maze for A Quiet Place could work, but I was really pleasantly surprised. I do like that Universal seems to have given up on scare zones, outside of the gauntlet you have to go through entering and exiting the park. They make great use of the atmosphere of the park at night, with lights and fog to keep fear dancing down our spines.

My biggest complaint about Universal had nothing to do with Horror Nights, but rather a policy the theme park has enacted. I don’t hide that I have both physical and mental disabilities. I can’t walk long distances before both of my hips are fighting to dislocate themselves. Too much noise or too many people can overstimulate me. I do what I can to compensate for this. The park used to give me a pass that I would get a return time written down on, and then once the time was there, I’d go through the express lane. It lets me spend time resting and helps me avoid being in a noisy crowd of people in a cramped space. That is no longer an option for my physical disability. To avoid the physical pain walking does, I had to rent a wheelchair. It was the only option given to me. That was their idea of accessibility since they made all the mazes wheelchair-accessible. It’s not accessibility though. It feels more like a way for the park to drain more money out of its guests.

I don’t have a lot of plans for Spooky Month. A trip to Disneyland, at least once. A party with my friends. Several outings for food. A few game nights. The two games I either already love, or are a part of something I love, come out this month. Silent Hill 2 and Dragon Age Veilguard. Dragon Age even comes out on Halloween. I have a lot to look forward to.

Isn’t that something?

Travel Bug

I have an interview for Global Entry tonight, which I am both nervous and excited for. I’m anxious that somehow I will mess up and be deemed a risk and fail the interview. And I’m nervous because of why I’m excited. This is the first step that I’m taking to ease of world travel.

I want, desperately, to start traveling the world. I’m torn on where to go first. I know it’s either going to be Ireland or Japan. I just don’t know which place calls to me more. I have started saving to be able to go next year, both PTO and money.

It feels like my skin is crawling I’m so anxious about this.

Here’s hoping tonight goes well!