Jim

My grandfather passed away at the beginning of the month. We held the funeral services this past Monday. His body is being cremated some time today. Then my dad is flying to Pennsylvania to have grandfather’s ashes interred at one of the veteran cemetery there.

I didn’t really know my grandfather growing up. I resented him, a little, because he never came to see us. He expected us to go up to him every time. And it was so one sided and it hurt so much that he never wanted to see us. But he made the time to go see other cousins.

My dad said it’s because he was super introverted, and my cousins would beg. We never begged. I didn’t think we should have to.

We knew he wasn’t going to live long. They told us in July he had six months. He made it four. We all knew it was coming. It didn’t stop my dad from being completely broken at the funeral. It hasn’t stopped the ugliness from other places popping up.

I don’t know how to feel or process. I wasn’t close to him. I broke a little when I realized I’d never have the opportunity to be close to him. But. That’s all there is.

I’m okay when I think I shouldn’t be. At least I feel okay.

 

Looking Forward

I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately. I keep seeing the “one day.” Which is good. It’s a good positive thing for me to focus on. And it’s helped me set goals for myself.

I want to get my bachelor’s degree. I’m not going to do the overly frilly and get two like I had been considering earlier this year. I’m just going to get my English degree and be done with that. I’m also going to get a certification for paralegal work. I like working in the legal field. I’m good at my job. And while I know that I don’t want to stay in the personal injury field. I do want to be in this realm of work. Which, it’s funny. For the first time in my life I know what I want to do with it. There isn’t that lingering doubt that has existed with every other career choice I’ve considered for myself. Which is good. It took long enough to figure that out for myself.

This has also lead to me doing a lot of research. Both in programs that are appropriate (thank you PCC, you’re getting me back). I’ve look at career trajectory, places I can apply, and what steps I need to take. Which is, I need to start looking for a legal secretary position while I am working on getting my education finished. It gives me more experience in the field, and sometime legal secretaries get promoted to paralegal. Which. Would be good. It would definitely be good.

I keep thinking of what kind of apartment I want too. What cities I’d be okay living in. What features do I need to have. What features would I like to have. The only things I have settled on is I want to have hard wood floors and I want air conditioning. I will look at different furniture stores and envision this place I don’t have, with the things I don’t have, and think of gatherings I want to have happen. And just. It’s small and it’s simple and right now it’s so far out of my reach this is nothing more than idle dreaming.

It’s been a very long time since I let myself idly dream. Or caught myself doing it.

This year has been very… strenuous. I went through one of the deepest depression spirals that I have probably ever gone through. There was such a long period of time where I just. I didn’t want to kill myself. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to stop existing. Where I would have been okay if I just went to sleep and I didn’t wake up. And I know that I was scaring my friends and my partner and sometimes I still feel that way. Sometimes I look at where my life is compared to where I want my life to be, and where my life is compared to the other people in my life. And I just. I don’t like it. I want to be better. I want better for me.

So I need to do the work to get there.

I don’t know what to do about my health other than continue to work on losing weight and get my regular check ups, even though that’s now super expensive because I don’t have insurance. I made a check list of things I need to do before the year is out, and things I need to do once the new year begins.

Financially… I might be getting relief there soon. Which I will need to work out, because I don’t want to have this all taken care of with a magic wand. Especially this magic wand. But I also have a getting by by the skin of my teeth plan for if I can’t get the relief that is possible.

img_20191111_131121_01536685156643264882.jpgimg_20191111_131123_019110655353746269567.jpgThere’s things for me to look forward to. There’s things I can do to be better. I need to do them. I’m going to do them. And I am going to keep remembering the positives. I added affirmations around my bathroom mirror, so I look at them every day when I’m getting ready for the morning or getting ready for bed.

I look at my friends and I remember that I am incredibly loved. I am possibly the most loved person I know, which is saying something given how much I know others are loved. But I have the best people in my life for me. I have the best friends, who sometimes get confused with being my partner, that I could have. They always support me, always give me advise, and always help when I need to. And they don’t expect me to be perfect. They know I do what I can, and that’s okay. What they want, more than anything else, is for me to be happy and healthy and keep taking steps to get there.

This is turning into a rambling mess. But. It’s also the first time in a while that I’ve sat down to write a little and I wasn’t in the middle of some internal crisis, or super depressed/upset. I feel good today. I feel confident and at some sort of peace.

I’m looking forward. I’m looking forward and I can see hope and reaching my one day. It’s going to be hard to get there. But getting there is possible.

Anxiety Bad Brain Finger Smash

After finishing this post. And going for a swim. And riding my bike. And dying my hair. And crying more until I feel so drained there isn’t much left in me. I am just done. I called my therapist, who helped get me to a more stable place for now.  I might be manic. She thinks it’s possible.

But I’m definitely not okay right now. I’m super primed for anxiety attacks, which leads to the need to move and do all the things but also isolate myself from nearly everyone.

I sat down to start writing this at 9ish. I didn’t stop typing until the last sentence, then I stepped away to go do things.

I’m going to curl up in a ball again.

One day I’ll be better. Today’s clearly not that day. Tomorrow probably won’t be either. But one day it’ll happen.

Image result for anxiety is so loud

This is the aptest meme I have found for what’s going on right now than anything else. Also the meme I was thinking about during the entry. Whee.

Continue reading “Anxiety Bad Brain Finger Smash”

Disorders

I have been diagnosed with many things over the years. Or been told you have this, only to go someplace else and be told absolutely not. Like schizophrenia. I’m not schizophrenic. Or bulimic.

I do have bipolar.

I do have major depression.

I do have general anxiety.

I do have PTSD.

And I have anorexia nervosa.

Continue reading “Disorders”

Oof.

I’m currently curled up on a friends couch with two cats nuzzling my legs and my favorite musical playing in the background.  I am working off of my brand new Chromebook. I spent the day with my friends and then my partner. And… I’m happy. I feel loved. I feel attractive for the first time in god knows how long.

I’m still anxious. I’m still depressed. But I’m not defining those as my sole traits right now.

It feels nice. And different.

 

I really hope it continues.

Been a while

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been able to sit and write. Not that I haven’t tried. There have been many instances of me sitting in front of the open journal entry page and just. Nothing come of out me.

I haven’t been okay. That’s obvious from every other post. But, I am better now. I feel less gray and more like there are splashes of color on me.

But. An update on what’s happened in the past several weeks:

  • I had the worst panic attack since I moved out while at one of the monthly museum trips. It lead to me isolating myself for a bit.
  • I started getting therapy. Which has been helpful.
  • I am no longer with the company I was working for. I’m back where I was before on a temporary basis – but things are a lot better now than it used to be on many levels.
  • I’m working through the knowledge that my grandfather is more actively dying.
  • I’ve started to plan a trip to Japan with my partner.
  • I’ve started dating again. I’ve met a couple really amazing people from this too.
  • I started feeling things again. Genuine emotions I could not remember and did not know I stopped having.
  • I’ve been on an anti-depressant.
  • I started to drive for Postmates in my off time.
  • I set a boundary for me. Which is huge on its own.

I’m going to try to get back in the habit of writing regularly.

I’m going up to visit my granddad this weekend. And hopefully, go walk the trail of 1000 giants.

Hopefully.

Death by Itching

Over this past weekend I helped a friend move. Which is fun and great and I wound up getting the fluffiest llama out of it which is honestly the best thing ever.

At the end of the day, when we were just relaxing and resting from a hard’s day work, I went to go sit in the hammock chair they had out back. It was my favorite thing to do while I was there, just leaning back and looking up at the trees and the sky. And this was likely my last chance to do so.

Apparently, while I was there reminiscing, I was bitten several times by what was likely spiders. There are at least 20 bites up and down my legs and two on my back.

Everything has been itch.

Send help.

And more magic oatmeal stuff because that is the only thing offering any relief.

One Day

I keep thinking about my one day. One day, I’ll have my own place. I’ll have my own furry pet. My car will be in my name, and I’ll be covering my own insurance. I’ll never have to ask my friends to help me by buying me dinner, or helping with gas because if they don’t help me I can’t do those things. One day I’m going to get on a plane and I am going to explore the world.

One day I may even meet someone who I can come home to.

I know I’m not there at all right now. I’m trying and looking at what I need to do in order to at least hit that first part. The first step is to pay off the debts I have. Which is a lot right now. But I know I can do it. It’s just going to take time.

In other news.

This was actually a very productive week for me. In a sucky and good way. I developed a migraine that lasted for three days. The only reason it stopped was that I gave in and went to go see a doctor. Which was kind of huge for me. The doctor I saw was not my primary care doctor. It was someone who works with her though. And she took me seriously. On every single thing that I brought up to her. Including my mental health. And she gave me two prescriptions for medication to treat my depression and anxiety that I know works. I have my Wellbutrin back. I have some Xanax. And I can already feel a difference in how I’m feeling and doing.

It’s really kind of amazing.

I also helped a couple friends of mine start the packing up process of their home. I sat down and took a serious look at my financial situation and talked with someone at my bank about how I can improve my life and credit score. I actually firmly established a boundary with someone.

And I actually sat and thought about one day. Which I haven’t been able to do in too long.