Shpunkey

It’s the first of the year. And as always, I’m sitting back in reflection of the absolute clusterfuck 2019 was. It was a hot mess of a year, for a lot of people. But it was also very illuminating. And I’m satisfied with how much I accomplished last year. I’m satisfied, in general. Even though there was a lot of upsetting and extremely challenging. obstacles and revelation.

In 2019 I was told I had was in the pre-stage for cervical cancer. I underwent treatment to be not cancerous and I amassed a massive bill that I’m still fighting my way to pay off. I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains much of the pain I’m in and that I just kind dislocate a lot. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, something that I struggle with the most I think. I ended some toxic relationships, set boundaries in ways I never have before. I figured out exactly what I want to do with my life. I started seeing two people who just make me happy.

To look back on what I wanted to do…

2019 Annual Goals 

• Update my WordPress at least once a week. 

No. I obviously didn’t do this. But I did update here more than I have in any other year. I’ve had so many draft entries started and realized I was just spouting the same old dribble. Or I was trying to force words out of me, which stressed me out. So I wrote when I felt like I needed to, or I had something to actually say.

• Lose a minimum of 6 lbs per month. 

Nope. In fact, in the past month or two, I gained a lot of the weight I had been losing back. It’s difficult, and it’s caused a lot of emotional/mental issues. I’m trying to stress less about my weight and figure. But that’s going to be an ongoing thing I work on.

• Continue to add to my savings account each month.                                                           (minus probably February, due to a very short paycheck).

I did, but at the same time, it doesn’t look like because I would ultimately need the money set aside for food/gas/bill, etc.

• Find new employment.

Technically, I did do this. I got a new job that I started in April. And it went really well for about a month. Then it started to become clear that there was a massive difference in what I was told to expect and what was actually happening. On top of that, things in my personal life started spiraling out of control. My grandfather went from passively to actively dying, including driving off a cliff. And I just couldn’t manage the stress between that job and worrying about my grandfather. I went back to where I was at the beginning of the year.  It’s like a new job though. There aren’t any of the same stressors, and I’m not having panic attacks about going into work. So. Progress? Maybe.

• Say no more often. And don’t feel guilty about saying no.

Sort of. I did say no more. I also felt guilty more.

• Get the items/things on my “big” purchases list.

Yes! I got all the things. Some of the things were purchased as presents for me. But I have my passport, a microwave that isn’t trying to kill me. A new bed that has already decidedly become an issue. Pillows, the vacuum, Echos I haven’t set up yet. And I have a Switch that I just adore.

• Practice more self-care.

Yes. This is still hard. But I did better this year than I have before.

• Explore more of Los Angeles.
• Eat more new foods or go to new food places.

I’m leaving those two bundled because I combined them when I did them. I started doing monthly museum trips that got me into areas I’ve never been to before. I’d also include a food place I hadn’t had before when the trip would happen. I worked postmates for a while, which had me driving around the city and seeing new things. I have new places I love going to. I have a museum that’s just. I go there and I sit surrounded by dinosaurs and all feels right with the world even if everything is crumbling. I’m really glad I made that a goal. I’m even more glad that my friends enjoyed the concept and went to so many of the places with me.

• Do not prioritize someone else’s happiness over my own.

This goal should have been simply to break up with my primary partner. That’s what it meant. That’s what it was for. I wasn’t happy with him. I hadn’t been for months. I ended that relationship. It hurt and sucked. And despite the fact that we swore we’d still be friends, I don’t have much of a relationship with him at all anymore. In hindsight, that’s probably for the best. But I take small steps towards putting myself and my happiness before other peoples aside from that.

• Beat three video games.

Yes! I beat Pokemon: Shield, Links’ Awakening, and in the final hours of December 30th, I beat Silent Hill 2 again. I also completed a playtest of a friend’s game Tom.

I didn’t do all the goals I set forward to with 2019. But I did most of them in some fashion. And I don’t feel like, for the most part, I failed anything. And I looked at the ones where I never really fully complete. Not in the way I mean to. So moving forward, I don’t think I am going to include goals about weight, about money, about reading more or writing more. About accomplishing a number of things. Those are things I want to do and want to accomplish. But I’ll do it at a pace that feels more comfortable, and not because I feel like I am forcing myself to do the thing.

So. For 2020. My goals are fairly straight forward and streamlined. And they are as follows:

1. Visit Disney once a month.
2. Travel:
   1. Go to Japan.
   2. Go see the Grand Canyon.
3. Pay off 3 Credit Cards:
   1. Aspire.
   2. Credit One.
   3. Paypal Credit.
4. Learn 3 songs on the piano:
   1. Beauty and the Beast
   2. Make You Feel My Love
   3. Tightrope
5. Learn 2 songs on the ukulele:
   1. Lava
   2. La Vie En Rose
6. Do one stair walk a month.
7. Stick to skincare routine for morning and night.
8. Find new employment.
   1. Do not accept a position paying less than $17.50 per hour.
   2. Do not accept a position that does not offer medical benefits.

 

I feel good about this year. I am really looking forward to the challenges I know are coming. I feel good about the plans I have in place. I feel really good about the people I have in my life and the amazing support system I have in place.

This does feel like the year of double advantage. Let’s just hope it sticks to it.

My grandfather passed away at the beginning of the month. We held the funeral services this past Monday. His body is being cremated some time today. Then my dad is flying to Pennsylvania to have grandfather’s ashes interred at one of the veteran cemetery there.

I didn’t really know my grandfather growing up. I resented him, a little, because he never came to see us. He expected us to go up to him every time. And it was so one sided and it hurt so much that he never wanted to see us. But he made the time to go see other cousins.

My dad said it’s because he was super introverted, and my cousins would beg. We never begged. I didn’t think we should have to.

We knew he wasn’t going to live long. They told us in July he had six months. He made it four. We all knew it was coming. It didn’t stop my dad from being completely broken at the funeral. It hasn’t stopped the ugliness from other places popping up.

I don’t know how to feel or process. I wasn’t close to him. I broke a little when I realized I’d never have the opportunity to be close to him. But. That’s all there is.

I’m okay when I think I shouldn’t be. At least I feel okay.

 

I’m currently curled up on a friends couch with two cats nuzzling my legs and my favorite musical playing in the background.  I am working off of my brand new Chromebook. I spent the day with my friends and then my partner. And… I’m happy. I feel loved. I feel attractive for the first time in god knows how long.

I’m still anxious. I’m still depressed. But I’m not defining those as my sole traits right now.

It feels nice. And different.

 

I really hope it continues.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been able to sit and write. Not that I haven’t tried. There have been many instances of me sitting in front of the open journal entry page and just. Nothing come of out me.

I haven’t been okay. That’s obvious from every other post. But, I am better now. I feel less gray and more like there are splashes of color on me.

But. An update on what’s happened in the past several weeks:

• I had the worst panic attack since I moved out while at one of the monthly museum trips. It lead to me isolating myself for a bit.
• I started getting therapy. Which has been helpful.
• I am no longer with the company I was working for. I’m back where I was before on a temporary basis – but things are a lot better now than it used to be on many levels.
• I’m working through the knowledge that my grandfather is more actively dying.
• I’ve started to plan a trip to Japan with my partner.
• I’ve started dating again. I’ve met a couple really amazing people from this too.
• I started feeling things again. Genuine emotions I could not remember and did not know I stopped having.
• I’ve been on an anti-depressant.
• I started to drive for Postmates in my off time.
• I set a boundary for me. Which is huge on its own.

I’m going to try to get back in the habit of writing regularly.

I’m going up to visit my granddad this weekend. And hopefully, go walk the trail of 1000 giants.

Hopefully.