Giant Squidball of Rage

Okay. So. No secret I’ve been upset about my break up with C, right? That’s pretty clear.

This will hopefully be the last entry regarding him. Because I need to work out this rage. And then make myself eat dinner and play a video game, and focus on the people in my life who actually deserve my attention.

C, as it turns out, is a liar. He lied to me about why he wanted to break up.

He told me that it was because he felt broken about poly things. That he needed to be alone romantically.  And the other stuff. That really, what the fuck. But. It turns out, no. Not case. He didn’t want to be poly anymore, which I understand. But he could have just simply said that. It wasn’t only that he didn’t want to be poly or with me.

Because someone who doesn’t want to be romantically with someone does not update their dating profile. They don’t mark they are available for romantic pursuits. And that is just what he did.

I am so tired of people lying to me. I am so tired of the guys I fall for mostly winding up to manipulative lying assholes. It would have hurt so much less if he just told me that he didn’t want to be poly, that he wanted to go back to being monogamous. It would have sucked. But it would have been so much better if he was just honest with me.

I am angrier than I have been in a long time. I am hurt. More hurt than I was. Because I thought he respected me and it just. No. No, he didn’t. I did nothing but want to be a good partner to him, to support him and give him the space he needed or the cuddles he needed and it’s like none of that actually mattered in the end.

I thought he was one of the magic people. The people who fit in my life so perfectly that no matter what type of relationship was had, they were going to be there. They were safe. There are only… a few people I consider part of the magic people. And I was wrong here. I was so, so very wrong.

I need to go for a run. And think of things from daily gratitude. And calm the fuck down.

Just.

Fuck this.

Daily Gratitude

A couple of entries ago, I said something about wanting to think of things I was grateful for in a day. I decided to keep that log here, because well. I won’t lose this like I have my journals or anywhere else. So. Feh. Here’s a thing.

Daily Gratitude #1 – March 1, 2020

  • Dragon Age: Inquisition. How good that story is and how much it pulls me in.
  • Meatballs.
  • I got my laundry done and my room more organized
  • Scented candles from bath and body works.

Blindsided

The past 60 hours have been tumultuous, at best. For the basic major rundown of what happened… it was as follows:

  • My mother was in a car accident, in which she was rear-ended by a school bus.
  • Things are not going well for my sister. I can’t talk about it publically, but things are not great.
  • Bank fraud! So much bank fraud!
  • I have to go back on blood thinners. And we’re running more scans because I have headaches too often.
  • I have gotten as many rejections as I have interviews for a new job, and that timeline of impending unemployment is ticking ever so closely.
  • C broke up with me.

There were a lot of other little things. Yesterday, to say I was overwhelmed was… not a strong enough term to describe how I felt. I was able to get a same-day appointment with my therapist. And we worked through some things. I don’t feel quite like gasoline is actively being thrown into the dumpster I seem to have fallen in, and also somehow caught fire. It was like I was this troll yesterday.

Image result for troll fire gif

I didn’t see my relationship with C ending. Not the romantic one. I know he’s been depressed for the past month or so, and there were a lot of other issues going on. But I somehow didn’t see that being a thing that was going to happen. Even though I knew I needed to back down from everything relationshippy with him for a while. I knew he needed time to heal from the everything. I just. I thought I would be with him as a partner while he did it.

Everything hurts, thinking about this. Which… It truly doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t in love with C. I knew I wasn’t working towards building a life with him. We weren’t going to be nesting partners or get married or any of that. I am not sure that even if we were together, that would be a good path for us. But I cared about him so much. When I was with him, I felt happy and calm and stable. I wanted to explore old shows with him and be nerdy and play games. I was comfortable.  I was safe.

And now it’s just gone.

I know we will probably be friends, in the future. Once I’m not hurting any more at this sudden change. I just need to take the time to move on from it and accept it.

My mom is okay. From what I’ve been told, she isn’t in any extreme pain and doesn’t require surgery. Her car looks pretty munched up. But she at least is fine. As fine as she can be. I don’t know what to do for my sister.

I need to keep moving forward and do the next right thing.  I think… something I want to start is taking time at the end of my day and find something about the day I happy about, or grateful for.

There was good in those 60 hours of a clusterfuck. I saw my Primary Care doctor for the first time in five or six years. And she almost immediately put me back on my antidepressant medication. So I have that going for me right now at least.

:)

Most, if not all, of what had me in such a state last week has been resolved. And this weekend was such a good weekend.

My big health thing was a false positive. It was a very stressful period of waiting for those results. And my gods. The relief I felt when I got the news was palpable. It also started a discussion with my parents about the state of my health, both physical and mental. It’s been rough, the past year. It’s been really, really rough. And after some negotiating, and a lot of hugging and even more crying, an agreement was made in that they’ll cover the cost of my insurance, and I’ll do my dad’s laundry once a week.  Which is more than fair and amazing. It also means I can get my medication back. I’ve been okay with the meds, but I can feel spiraling happening more. I can feel more extreme responses to thing and like I’m starting to be less in control. And the bad whispering is starting up again. Nightmares that wake me up several times in a night. I’ll be able to actually get back to just being me again.

I’ve also managed to get to a good point with all the people I’m dating. I feel more secure in the relationships than I think I ever have. Which is nice. All of the upset has gotten me to start reading different books on managing poly relationships and jealousy, so I have tools to use if there is another huge upset. I need to find a way to have better time management. I feel like I’m not offering enough time to all of them, which could lead one of them to feel neglected. Which isn’t good. But… I’m really happy knowing where I stand in the relationship, and what expectations are.

Also good news. I’ve got a ticket to Japan in October of this year. I’m really excited because that was the trip that seemed the most ambitious to me. But the ticket has been purchased. We’re looking at things to do and which region we should visit in addition to Tokyo. And silly arguments over how many theme parks we’re going to visit has started.

Things are really turned around in the last week, in such a bright positive way. All of that, and I got two of the credit cards I wanted to be paid off paid, and I’m not feeling entirely hopeless about searching for a new job, and I did my first stair walk this year, and just. Things feel good. They feel stable.

I feel happy.

Decompression

I wanted to stop only coming here when I was upset or crying or in crisis. And I’ve thought about things I could write. But I’ve also just. I haven’t had a lot of energy all year. I’ve been low on spoons, or spell slots, or whatever you want to call it. They aren’t refilling the way they used to. I wake up knowing I can do less in the day than I could the day before, and it’s concerning on so many levels.

I haven’t been on my medication now for about a month and a half. I know it’s not helping. I know damn well I’d been better right now if I was actually on medication for my myriad of mental illnesses. But I’m coping. I’m coping the best I possibly can right now. At least I think I am.

Continue reading “Decompression”

New Year. New Goals. Yada yada.

It’s the first of the year. And as always, I’m sitting back in reflection of the absolute clusterfuck 2019 was. It was a hot mess of a year, for a lot of people. But it was also very illuminating. And I’m satisfied with how much I accomplished last year. I’m satisfied, in general. Even though there was a lot of upsetting and extremely challenging. obstacles and revelation.

In 2019 I was told I had was in the pre-stage for cervical cancer. I underwent treatment to be not cancerous and I amassed a massive bill that I’m still fighting my way to pay off. I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains much of the pain I’m in and that I just kind dislocate a lot. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, something that I struggle with the most I think. I ended some toxic relationships, set boundaries in ways I never have before. I figured out exactly what I want to do with my life. I started seeing two people who just make me happy.

To look back on what I wanted to do…

2019 Annual Goals 

  • Update my WordPress at least once a week. 

No. I obviously didn’t do this. But I did update here more than I have in any other year. I’ve had so many draft entries started and realized I was just spouting the same old dribble. Or I was trying to force words out of me, which stressed me out. So I wrote when I felt like I needed to, or I had something to actually say.

  • Lose a minimum of 6 lbs per month. 

Nope. In fact, in the past month or two, I gained a lot of the weight I had been losing back. It’s difficult, and it’s caused a lot of emotional/mental issues. I’m trying to stress less about my weight and figure. But that’s going to be an ongoing thing I work on.

  • Continue to add to my savings account each month.                                                           (minus probably February, due to a very short paycheck).

I did, but at the same time, it doesn’t look like because I would ultimately need the money set aside for food/gas/bill, etc.

  • Find new employment.

Technically, I did do this. I got a new job that I started in April. And it went really well for about a month. Then it started to become clear that there was a massive difference in what I was told to expect and what was actually happening. On top of that, things in my personal life started spiraling out of control. My grandfather went from passively to actively dying, including driving off a cliff. And I just couldn’t manage the stress between that job and worrying about my grandfather. I went back to where I was at the beginning of the year.  It’s like a new job though. There aren’t any of the same stressors, and I’m not having panic attacks about going into work. So. Progress? Maybe.

  • Say no more often. And don’t feel guilty about saying no.

Sort of. I did say no more. I also felt guilty more.

  • Get the items/things on my “big” purchases list.

Yes! I got all the things. Some of the things were purchased as presents for me. But I have my passport, a microwave that isn’t trying to kill me. A new bed that has already decidedly become an issue. Pillows, the vacuum, Echos I haven’t set up yet. And I have a Switch that I just adore.

  • Practice more self-care.

Yes. This is still hard. But I did better this year than I have before.

  • Explore more of Los Angeles.
  • Eat more new foods or go to new food places.

I’m leaving those two bundled because I combined them when I did them. I started doing monthly museum trips that got me into areas I’ve never been to before. I’d also include a food place I hadn’t had before when the trip would happen. I worked postmates for a while, which had me driving around the city and seeing new things. I have new places I love going to. I have a museum that’s just. I go there and I sit surrounded by dinosaurs and all feels right with the world even if everything is crumbling. I’m really glad I made that a goal. I’m even more glad that my friends enjoyed the concept and went to so many of the places with me.

  • Do not prioritize someone else’s happiness over my own.

This goal should have been simply to break up with my primary partner. That’s what it meant. That’s what it was for. I wasn’t happy with him. I hadn’t been for months. I ended that relationship. It hurt and sucked. And despite the fact that we swore we’d still be friends, I don’t have much of a relationship with him at all anymore. In hindsight, that’s probably for the best. But I take small steps towards putting myself and my happiness before other peoples aside from that.

  • Beat three video games.

Yes! I beat Pokemon: Shield, Links’ Awakening, and in the final hours of December 30th, I beat Silent Hill 2 again. I also completed a playtest of a friend’s game Tom.

I didn’t do all the goals I set forward to with 2019. But I did most of them in some fashion. And I don’t feel like, for the most part, I failed anything. And I looked at the ones where I never really fully complete. Not in the way I mean to. So moving forward, I don’t think I am going to include goals about weight, about money, about reading more or writing more. About accomplishing a number of things. Those are things I want to do and want to accomplish. But I’ll do it at a pace that feels more comfortable, and not because I feel like I am forcing myself to do the thing.

So. For 2020. My goals are fairly straight forward and streamlined. And they are as follows:

  1. Visit Disney once a month.
  2. Travel:
    1. Go to Japan.
    2. Go see the Grand Canyon.
  3. Pay off 3 Credit Cards:
    1. Aspire.
    2. Credit One.
    3. Paypal Credit.
  4. Learn 3 songs on the piano:
    1. Beauty and the Beast
    2. Make You Feel My Love
    3. Tightrope
  5. Learn 2 songs on the ukulele:
    1. Lava
    2. La Vie En Rose
  6. Do one stair walk a month.
  7. Stick to skincare routine for morning and night.
  8. Find new employment.
    1. Do not accept a position paying less than $17.50 per hour.
    2. Do not accept a position that does not offer medical benefits.

 

I feel good about this year. I am really looking forward to the challenges I know are coming. I feel good about the plans I have in place. I feel really good about the people I have in my life and the amazing support system I have in place.

This does feel like the year of double advantage. Let’s just hope it sticks to it.

Thankful

Today’s Thanksgiving. And I’m just. I’m sitting in my room, with a grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of tomato bisque listening to show tunes and rain patter outside. We’re having the first big storm since Spring right now. And it’s kind of really lovely. Albeit, cold. And I don’t handle cold all that well.

I’ve spent the morning alternating between chores and finishing up a character for the next campaign I’m going to be in. And thinking about the things in my life I’m grateful for. This year has been a weird one, with good and bad and really the usual stuff you expect in a year. I briefly held a new position for work. I was able to go back to where I was in much better circumstances. I finally figured out what field I genuinely want to work in.

I’m thankful for a lot of things this year.

I’m grateful for all three of my partners. For my friends. For my best friends. For the fact that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly when I can do the food thing. I’m thankful for just how loved I am, and how much the people in my life remind me of that fact every single day.

I’m looking forward to figuring out what goals and things I want to accomplish next year. And what I’ve managed to do this year.

It’s gonna be a nice night with my friends at a fancy restaurant. With just. Love.

Nothing but love.