Giant Squidball of Rage

Okay. So. No secret I’ve been upset about my break up with C, right? That’s pretty clear.

This will hopefully be the last entry regarding him. Because I need to work out this rage. And then make myself eat dinner and play a video game, and focus on the people in my life who actually deserve my attention.

C, as it turns out, is a liar. He lied to me about why he wanted to break up.

He told me that it was because he felt broken about poly things. That he needed to be alone romantically.  And the other stuff. That really, what the fuck. But. It turns out, no. Not case. He didn’t want to be poly anymore, which I understand. But he could have just simply said that. It wasn’t only that he didn’t want to be poly or with me.

Because someone who doesn’t want to be romantically with someone does not update their dating profile. They don’t mark they are available for romantic pursuits. And that is just what he did.

I am so tired of people lying to me. I am so tired of the guys I fall for mostly winding up to manipulative lying assholes. It would have hurt so much less if he just told me that he didn’t want to be poly, that he wanted to go back to being monogamous. It would have sucked. But it would have been so much better if he was just honest with me.

I am angrier than I have been in a long time. I am hurt. More hurt than I was. Because I thought he respected me and it just. No. No, he didn’t. I did nothing but want to be a good partner to him, to support him and give him the space he needed or the cuddles he needed and it’s like none of that actually mattered in the end.

I thought he was one of the magic people. The people who fit in my life so perfectly that no matter what type of relationship was had, they were going to be there. They were safe. There are only… a few people I consider part of the magic people. And I was wrong here. I was so, so very wrong.

I need to go for a run. And think of things from daily gratitude. And calm the fuck down.

Just.

Fuck this.

Daily Gratitude

A couple of entries ago, I said something about wanting to think of things I was grateful for in a day. I decided to keep that log here, because well. I won’t lose this like I have my journals or anywhere else. So. Feh. Here’s a thing.

Daily Gratitude #1 – March 1, 2020

  • Dragon Age: Inquisition. How good that story is and how much it pulls me in.
  • Meatballs.
  • I got my laundry done and my room more organized
  • Scented candles from bath and body works.

Blindsided

The past 60 hours have been tumultuous, at best. For the basic major rundown of what happened… it was as follows:

  • My mother was in a car accident, in which she was rear-ended by a school bus.
  • Things are not going well for my sister. I can’t talk about it publically, but things are not great.
  • Bank fraud! So much bank fraud!
  • I have to go back on blood thinners. And we’re running more scans because I have headaches too often.
  • I have gotten as many rejections as I have interviews for a new job, and that timeline of impending unemployment is ticking ever so closely.
  • C broke up with me.

There were a lot of other little things. Yesterday, to say I was overwhelmed was… not a strong enough term to describe how I felt. I was able to get a same-day appointment with my therapist. And we worked through some things. I don’t feel quite like gasoline is actively being thrown into the dumpster I seem to have fallen in, and also somehow caught fire. It was like I was this troll yesterday.

Image result for troll fire gif

I didn’t see my relationship with C ending. Not the romantic one. I know he’s been depressed for the past month or so, and there were a lot of other issues going on. But I somehow didn’t see that being a thing that was going to happen. Even though I knew I needed to back down from everything relationshippy with him for a while. I knew he needed time to heal from the everything. I just. I thought I would be with him as a partner while he did it.

Everything hurts, thinking about this. Which… It truly doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t in love with C. I knew I wasn’t working towards building a life with him. We weren’t going to be nesting partners or get married or any of that. I am not sure that even if we were together, that would be a good path for us. But I cared about him so much. When I was with him, I felt happy and calm and stable. I wanted to explore old shows with him and be nerdy and play games. I was comfortable.  I was safe.

And now it’s just gone.

I know we will probably be friends, in the future. Once I’m not hurting any more at this sudden change. I just need to take the time to move on from it and accept it.

My mom is okay. From what I’ve been told, she isn’t in any extreme pain and doesn’t require surgery. Her car looks pretty munched up. But she at least is fine. As fine as she can be. I don’t know what to do for my sister.

I need to keep moving forward and do the next right thing.  I think… something I want to start is taking time at the end of my day and find something about the day I happy about, or grateful for.

There was good in those 60 hours of a clusterfuck. I saw my Primary Care doctor for the first time in five or six years. And she almost immediately put me back on my antidepressant medication. So I have that going for me right now at least.

:)

Most, if not all, of what had me in such a state last week has been resolved. And this weekend was such a good weekend.

My big health thing was a false positive. It was a very stressful period of waiting for those results. And my gods. The relief I felt when I got the news was palpable. It also started a discussion with my parents about the state of my health, both physical and mental. It’s been rough, the past year. It’s been really, really rough. And after some negotiating, and a lot of hugging and even more crying, an agreement was made in that they’ll cover the cost of my insurance, and I’ll do my dad’s laundry once a week.  Which is more than fair and amazing. It also means I can get my medication back. I’ve been okay with the meds, but I can feel spiraling happening more. I can feel more extreme responses to thing and like I’m starting to be less in control. And the bad whispering is starting up again. Nightmares that wake me up several times in a night. I’ll be able to actually get back to just being me again.

I’ve also managed to get to a good point with all the people I’m dating. I feel more secure in the relationships than I think I ever have. Which is nice. All of the upset has gotten me to start reading different books on managing poly relationships and jealousy, so I have tools to use if there is another huge upset. I need to find a way to have better time management. I feel like I’m not offering enough time to all of them, which could lead one of them to feel neglected. Which isn’t good. But… I’m really happy knowing where I stand in the relationship, and what expectations are.

Also good news. I’ve got a ticket to Japan in October of this year. I’m really excited because that was the trip that seemed the most ambitious to me. But the ticket has been purchased. We’re looking at things to do and which region we should visit in addition to Tokyo. And silly arguments over how many theme parks we’re going to visit has started.

Things are really turned around in the last week, in such a bright positive way. All of that, and I got two of the credit cards I wanted to be paid off paid, and I’m not feeling entirely hopeless about searching for a new job, and I did my first stair walk this year, and just. Things feel good. They feel stable.

I feel happy.

Decompression

I wanted to stop only coming here when I was upset or crying or in crisis. And I’ve thought about things I could write. But I’ve also just. I haven’t had a lot of energy all year. I’ve been low on spoons, or spell slots, or whatever you want to call it. They aren’t refilling the way they used to. I wake up knowing I can do less in the day than I could the day before, and it’s concerning on so many levels.

I haven’t been on my medication now for about a month and a half. I know it’s not helping. I know damn well I’d been better right now if I was actually on medication for my myriad of mental illnesses. But I’m coping. I’m coping the best I possibly can right now. At least I think I am.

Continue reading “Decompression”