I got stood up by my therapist tonight. We usually just do check-ins, making sure I’m not going off in those fun manic ways. But I actually needed to talk to someone tonight. The person I paid to talk to just didn’t show up, and it looks like he canceled all my future appointments.
I’m not quite sure what to make of that.
I’ve been in a weird to me state where everything seems to be okay. I have things under control. Except for my anxiety. And now depression. For no reason as far as I can decipher. There is literally nothing wrong with my life right now and I cannot stop panicking and I’m stuck in this bubble of hopelessness and I can see things are better. And I can’t stop feeling the way I’ve been feeling. It is incredibly frustrating, which feeds into everything.
Maybe it’s the time of year. I usually struggle at the end of the year because I’m not doing what I typically do, which is baking up a storm of cookies, cupcakes, and more. It was my challenge to myself. And I hate it. But at the same time, it takes a load of stress off me because I don’t have to figure out what to do with all of the baked goods.
A large part of me wonders if I was discharged from treatment too soon. If I shouldn’t have gone to Discovery after my hospitalization and instead gone to a residential treatment facility. I think I’m still broken in ways I don’t know how to fix myself. And I desperately want to not be broken anymore.
I really wish my therapist didn’t stand me up tonight.
Shpunkey 