I have been falling into one of my deeper depressions for the past couple of months. I’ve felt myself forcing to look like I’m okay and functioning to every single person in my life. I’ve been disconnected from my body for a while now. I don’t remember when it happened but I haven’t been fully… present. And when I am, it’s been overwhelmingly sadness and nothingness, with some of the briefest glimpses of happiness and normalcy. But it never lasts. And now I’m occasionally waking up and wishing I hadn’t. I’m spending hours in the mirror every morning and night just making sure my face can still do normal face things because it feels like it does nothing anymore.
My therapist has been trying to help. But she believes it comes down to the chemistry in my brain that needs help. I’ve been off my medication for a few months now. It’s showing. I made an appointment with my GP. I started my anti-depression medication again Tuesday. And I see a psychiatrist next week to see if there is anything more that can be done, because before the anti-depressants were only doing so much.
This… disconnectedness… has definitely bled into my relationships. One of my partners I just feel cut off from entirely. I want to feel what I did when we first started. I want that so badly. But I don’t fully feel everything. I did, with my other two. There was safety there and comfort. Even if I couldn’t feel everything, I knew it was okay. And they had become touchstones to reality for me. And they were added on the safety plan constructed for me based on who would be safe to go to in an emotional or mental crisis.
I was unexpectedly dumped on Monday by one of my partners. One of my touchstones. I understand why, to a point. He had ended his relationship with his primary partner a few weeks prior. It had been a long, drawn-out break up that lasted approximately two months. And it left him hurting in ways I couldn’t imagine. I understand why he wanted to be alone in a romantic sense.
But the hurt when I do feel is crushing. Whenever I think about it now and I have any connection to myself, it takes everything in me to not cry. It makes me dread the moments I am there and wish they wouldn’t come. And I don’t understand that. I don’t know why it hurts this much.
He also said something that was incredibly sex shamey. He never had actual penetrative sex with him. And that bothered me so much. I told him that was something I wanted with him. And he said that we would. We never did. And when he was breaking up with me, he said that he hadn’t felt safe having sex with me because I have multiple partners, and there were safety concerns. Which… fucking sucks so much. And it’s made me feel like I can’t be intimate with people because I pose a risk to the people I care about.
My friends are mad at my ex. My owner is mad at my ex – and is comparing him to another ex, who constantly made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to love or be with, and wouldn’t even touch me before I eventually ended the relationship.
I am struggling. A lot. I am trying so hard to be a person, but I am overwhelmed. I don’t know what to feel or how to feel. I just. I need to know things are going to get better. I need to know when I have felt they won’t always be the iron vice crushing my heart and my everything.
Shpunkey 