Blindsided

The past 60 hours have been tumultuous, at best. For the basic major rundown of what happened… it was as follows:

• My mother was in a car accident, in which she was rear-ended by a school bus.
• Things are not going well for my sister. I can’t talk about it publically, but things are not great.
• Bank fraud! So much bank fraud!
• I have to go back on blood thinners. And we’re running more scans because I have headaches too often.
• I have gotten as many rejections as I have interviews for a new job, and that timeline of impending unemployment is ticking ever so closely.
• C broke up with me.

There were a lot of other little things. Yesterday, to say I was overwhelmed was… not a strong enough term to describe how I felt. I was able to get a same-day appointment with my therapist. And we worked through some things. I don’t feel quite like gasoline is actively being thrown into the dumpster I seem to have fallen in, and also somehow caught fire. It was like I was this troll yesterday.

I didn’t see my relationship with C ending. Not the romantic one. I know he’s been depressed for the past month or so, and there were a lot of other issues going on. But I somehow didn’t see that being a thing that was going to happen. Even though I knew I needed to back down from everything relationshippy with him for a while. I knew he needed time to heal from the everything. I just. I thought I would be with him as a partner while he did it.

Everything hurts, thinking about this. Which… It truly doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t in love with C. I knew I wasn’t working towards building a life with him. We weren’t going to be nesting partners or get married or any of that. I am not sure that even if we were together, that would be a good path for us. But I cared about him so much. When I was with him, I felt happy and calm and stable. I wanted to explore old shows with him and be nerdy and play games. I was comfortable.  I was safe.

And now it’s just gone.

I know we will probably be friends, in the future. Once I’m not hurting any more at this sudden change. I just need to take the time to move on from it and accept it.

My mom is okay. From what I’ve been told, she isn’t in any extreme pain and doesn’t require surgery. Her car looks pretty munched up. But she at least is fine. As fine as she can be. I don’t know what to do for my sister.

I need to keep moving forward and do the next right thing.  I think… something I want to start is taking time at the end of my day and find something about the day I happy about, or grateful for.

There was good in those 60 hours of a clusterfuck. I saw my Primary Care doctor for the first time in five or six years. And she almost immediately put me back on my antidepressant medication. So I have that going for me right now at least.