Looking Forward

I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately. I keep seeing the “one day.” Which is good. It’s a good positive thing for me to focus on. And it’s helped me set goals for myself.

I want to get my bachelor’s degree. I’m not going to do the overly frilly and get two like I had been considering earlier this year. I’m just going to get my English degree and be done with that. I’m also going to get a certification for paralegal work. I like working in the legal field. I’m good at my job. And while I know that I don’t want to stay in the personal injury field. I do want to be in this realm of work. Which, it’s funny. For the first time in my life I know what I want to do with it. There isn’t that lingering doubt that has existed with every other career choice I’ve considered for myself. Which is good. It took long enough to figure that out for myself.

This has also lead to me doing a lot of research. Both in programs that are appropriate (thank you PCC, you’re getting me back). I’ve look at career trajectory, places I can apply, and what steps I need to take. Which is, I need to start looking for a legal secretary position while I am working on getting my education finished. It gives me more experience in the field, and sometime legal secretaries get promoted to paralegal. Which. Would be good. It would definitely be good.

I keep thinking of what kind of apartment I want too. What cities I’d be okay living in. What features do I need to have. What features would I like to have. The only things I have settled on is I want to have hard wood floors and I want air conditioning. I will look at different furniture stores and envision this place I don’t have, with the things I don’t have, and think of gatherings I want to have happen. And just. It’s small and it’s simple and right now it’s so far out of my reach this is nothing more than idle dreaming.

It’s been a very long time since I let myself idly dream. Or caught myself doing it.

This year has been very… strenuous. I went through one of the deepest depression spirals that I have probably ever gone through. There was such a long period of time where I just. I didn’t want to kill myself. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to stop existing. Where I would have been okay if I just went to sleep and I didn’t wake up. And I know that I was scaring my friends and my partner and sometimes I still feel that way. Sometimes I look at where my life is compared to where I want my life to be, and where my life is compared to the other people in my life. And I just. I don’t like it. I want to be better. I want better for me.

So I need to do the work to get there.

I don’t know what to do about my health other than continue to work on losing weight and get my regular check ups, even though that’s now super expensive because I don’t have insurance. I made a check list of things I need to do before the year is out, and things I need to do once the new year begins.

Financially… I might be getting relief there soon. Which I will need to work out, because I don’t want to have this all taken care of with a magic wand. Especially this magic wand. But I also have a getting by by the skin of my teeth plan for if I can’t get the relief that is possible.

There’s things for me to look forward to. There’s things I can do to be better. I need to do them. I’m going to do them. And I am going to keep remembering the positives. I added affirmations around my bathroom mirror, so I look at them every day when I’m getting ready for the morning or getting ready for bed.

I look at my friends and I remember that I am incredibly loved. I am possibly the most loved person I know, which is saying something given how much I know others are loved. But I have the best people in my life for me. I have the best friends, who sometimes get confused with being my partner, that I could have. They always support me, always give me advise, and always help when I need to. And they don’t expect me to be perfect. They know I do what I can, and that’s okay. What they want, more than anything else, is for me to be happy and healthy and keep taking steps to get there.

This is turning into a rambling mess. But. It’s also the first time in a while that I’ve sat down to write a little and I wasn’t in the middle of some internal crisis, or super depressed/upset. I feel good today. I feel confident and at some sort of peace.

I’m looking forward. I’m looking forward and I can see hope and reaching my one day. It’s going to be hard to get there. But getting there is possible.