After finishing this post. And going for a swim. And riding my bike. And dying my hair. And crying more until I feel so drained there isn’t much left in me. I am just done. I called my therapist, who helped get me to a more stable place for now. I might be manic. She thinks it’s possible.
But I’m definitely not okay right now. I’m super primed for anxiety attacks, which leads to the need to move and do all the things but also isolate myself from nearly everyone.
I sat down to start writing this at 9ish. I didn’t stop typing until the last sentence, then I stepped away to go do things.
I’m going to curl up in a ball again.
One day I’ll be better. Today’s clearly not that day. Tomorrow probably won’t be either. But one day it’ll happen.
This is the aptest meme I have found for what’s going on right now than anything else. Also the meme I was thinking about during the entry. Whee.
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It’s been a hard day. Scratch that. It’s been a hard past few weeks.
I don’t even know what’s wrong right now. I was fine this morning. I got sick because of a gummy vitamin, and I lost my breakfast which should feel like more of a loss than it does but that’s fine because at least I didn’t make myself throw up. My stomach and body did that for me. But I was fine. There was minor chaos initially in the office. But I handled it. I got things taken care of before anyone else showed up.
And yet I just spent an hour in my car sobbing on my way home from work after a very long day. And immediately curled up into a ball on the floor in my bedroom to continue to silently cry and want to hurt physically as much as I was emotionally and there is no reason for me to be in this much anguish and pain. And I know it.
I’m scaring me again.
I did some really brave and really hard things this week. I set boundaries with people I love a great deal despite the fact that every time I’m with them I’m waiting for another dose of abuse. Another harsh word. Another reminder that I’m a failure, and worthless. And I should quit and go back. Because I can’t do it. I can’t take care of me. I’ve been trying for two years now and my mental state is probably the worst it’s ever been. I have new diagnoses coming up I didn’t before. Even though there was evidence of this was a problem for YEARS. It didn’t become an active named problem until now. When I’m trying to be an adult and do the thing and I just can’t.
I was reminded of my ex-fiancee today too. How warped he had me, how much I trusted him over myself. I did so many things just to try and make him happy. I believed so much. I stayed away from my friends. I dropped out of school. I saved every penny to move across the country away from everyone I cared about. And then… one day I saw one of my friends. And he snapped me out of it without even trying. But those scars are still there. And I always think I’m wrong and I’m always doubting myself and I know that’s in part thanks to how warped my brain got while I was with him. Which you know. Impressive. He lived across the country and still managed to completely change the person I was into this dumpster fire of a person.
I shouldn’t talk about myself like that.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Everything feels fragile and I am shaking and I’m crying again and I don’t understand why.
I know part of it is I have to ask for help again. I trusted the wrong person again. I know my friends want me to ask. They keep telling me I’m an investment worth investing in and all I can feel is that I am a leech incapable of giving anything back to the level that they give me. And no matter how hard I try or what I do I wind up in either the same place or worse.
I’m spiraling and I don’t know how to make it stop and I don’t want to reach out to the people I love and who I know love me because I keep spiraling. I’ve been fighting a spiral for weeks now.
The bad brain is so loud right now. I can’t hear the number of positive affirmations I keep trying to tell myself. I can’t hear the things I know to be true over the things I know are not.
I want to be mad at everyone who helped me believe the things that aren’t true. I want to be mad everyone who made me believe I’m disgusting, that I’m worthless, that I’ll never amount to anything. That I’m a failure and that’s all I will ever be.
And I see where that’s right. So really I’m just mad at me because I see evidence that’s right.
But there is evidence that it’s wrong too. I *know* there is evidence that it’s wrong.
I’m just so tired. I’m tired of fighting my own brain to love myself. I’m tired of thinking of positive things to tell myself to make me feel better because it is so much harder than it should be.
But I need to think of good things to stop bad brain from winning.
I have a boyfriend who loves me. I can always smell him, which is impressive given that I cannot usually smell at all. But I always smell him and he always smells good and warm and safe. And when I’m with him there is usually this level of calm and happy and his arms and kisses make me feel content. And I am scared I’m pushing him away with how crazy my brain gets. I’ve been so scared lately.
That’s definitely part of fragility. hm.
I have another guy who I care about quite a bit. Who got to actually see just a glimpse of the environment I grew up with. And got a whole lot of these are my trauma’s and I’m sorry. And things are different now and I can feel them differently now but we still talk and he’s easy to talk to. He hears what I’m saying even when I’m struggling to say it. And he gets really feisty sometimes. Which is nice. He has gone out of his way to make me feel wanted and appreciated and desired. Which is also nice.
I apologize way too much. I can’t seem to stop and trying to has actually lead to me hurting myself because I’ll bite my cheek or tongue or fingers in order to not say the words. I don’t know how to stop that either.
Something else good.
I have Kit Kat. Kind of. I care about her and she’s also easy to talk to and she also makes me feel safe just with words. And her lips are so soft and she is so incredibly beautiful and I have no idea why she lets me touch her let alone anything else. But she’s patient. And kind. And I am lucky enough to get to have her in my life in any capacity. I’d like to be more than just a friend to her. I don’t know that I am. But scheduling is hard. And I’m a mess. And that seems unfair to do to someone else.
But I don’t know that that’s my choice. She knows I’m a mess.
I built a home for me. Sure, I struggle. But I have a room that is mine. It’s filled with things that are mine and they make me happy usually and even though I had help sometimes I did this. I got myself to a point where I have my room and I have my car and I have the people in my life that I do.
And I do try so hard to be good to them. I do what I can to make them happy. Even if that’s sometimes hurting myself. I’ll give up time with them so they can do something else or be with someone else because it makes them happy. I cook for them. And other things. I try to be there for them as emotional or mental support because we all have issues.
And they can’t all be wrong. Especially since I’m usually wrong. They tell me that they are lucky I’m in their life too. That I’m loved and wanted and valued.
I want to believe them all of the time instead of some of the time.
My anxiety and depression is just so loud.
I think there’s a meme for that.
I’m needier than I want to be right now. I want to be held and cuddled. I want people to help by telling me more affirmations. I want love and affection and silly little cheesy flirts. I don’t feel like I should want these things. They’ve been important yes. But there never the predominant thing. And it’s frustrating because it’s affecting the way I usually interact with a couple people. The way I’m usually treated or talked to spike anxiety and self-hatred and I cannot stand that it’s happening. I need to work on this. I Want to go back to the way things were before.
I don’t want to sell my Tsums. I need the money. But I don’t want to sell them. I don’t really want to sell my plasma either because I’m worried about what that’s going to do to my health. But my health has incurred a massive debt that I just. I can’t handle it alone. I’ve had help but it’s still so much and it’s overwhelming me.
Heh. I am overwhelmed. I am very overwhelmed which is increasing my anxiety which is making me fragile which is making me overwhelmed and it’s just this never-ending cycle I don’t know what to do with.
I need to stop. I need to stop listening to my brain and the pain that my brain is causing. I need to focus on what is real and what isn’t and I need to acknowledge that I can’t always see that and I need help and it’s okay to need help sometimes. I need help of some sort all the time. But this is something that’s important.
I can do this. I think. No. I can do this. I can’t just think I can I have to know I Can.
Like I have to know I’m desirable and attractive and wanted. I have to look at the mirror and not see the blobby mess I do and see what’s actually there. I have to see that person who is worthy and loved and not a waste of space.
And not someone who just annoys people or gets in the way or leeches life out of the people they love.
I’m not that.
I never was that. Never.
I need to stop believing I was.
Shpunkey 