Closure

I had dinner tonight with my former fiancee. He had come in from out the east coast because he wanted to talk to me. And. I was hesitant.

This is a man who emotionally and mentally abused me our entire relationship. He had me so detached from myself that I secluded myself from everyone in my life. I would only make myself available to him. I would only allow myself to touch him. Which is saying something, considering our relationship was long distance.

He wanted to talk. He promised all he wanted was to talk. And to give me the money he owed me.

What he really wanted to remind me of what he thought of me. That I’m a whore and a slut. That I deserved to be sick and should not have gotten cured. That it’s surprising anyone hired me. That it’s even more surprising that anyone wants to be with me. Because I am worthless and weak. I always have been. I always will be. Worst of all, I’ve disappointed him. I’ve made him unhappy.

He also wanted me to talk to his current fiancee. She’s apparently hesitant to go through with the marriage. I owed it to him for all the times I failed him and disappointed him to assure her that marrying him was the right thing to do.

I took the money he owed me. Said no. And got up and left.

And it was like this chain I had no idea I was still wearing snapped off me. Something that has been lightly suffocating me since I came out of the daze I was living in and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore just left.

I am better than he says I am. I am worth my friends love and friendship. If my partners didn’t want to be with me they wouldn’t have been with me. I am a hard worker and do my best every single day I am at work. I am reliable and resourceful. And if I was meant to still be sick – I would still be sick. I wouldn’t have gone into remission.

I am not weak, for the days that I struggle to get out of bed. I’m not weak because I struggle to feel anything most days.

I went to the Disney store before I met him. I’ve been going to something Disney at least once a week all month. I never felt anything while I was there. Today I did. There was a wild burst of joy and light that I almost completely forgot what it was like to experience. Which… immediately overwhelmed me and made me break down crying in the middle of the store. But I felt something. For the first time in weeks, I felt something.

And then I did something I don’t think I would have done a couple weeks ago.

I am… extraordinarily proud of myself right now.

It may be time to put that gift card my friends got me on my birthday to use.