News and stuff.

I am sitting in an empty condo with a cat, who is currently grumpy with me because I apparently do not know how to give it proper pets.

I just had a really, really great day. I woke up next to someone who makes me smile and happy. I got a free upgrade on a boba milk tea from small to large. I was gifted aviators to complete my look for the day. I saw Captain Marvel (which was incredible and everyone should go see it) with my friends. We had burgers and milkshakes afterward and just it was such a good day.

And I am sitting here, listening to Amanda Palmer’s newest album with tears just streaming down my face.

It wasn’t just a good day. I’ve had a good week.

I got my first acceptance letter to University again. More importantly, I got a job offer for a company I am really excited to work with. I put in my two weeks notice at my current employer. And it was weirdly and highly emotional? I wasn’t happy there. I haven’t been in a long time. But knowing that in two weeks I am moving on to a new position someplace else. And there is room for me to grow at this new company. There are growth opportunities and better benefits offered.

I should be a lot happier than I am.

I know I have depression. I have depression and anxiety and a lot of crippling confidence issues. And as good as this week has been, it’s been so emotionally overwhelming that I have spent most of it crying.

There has been so much. Good and bad. I’ve been dealing with some pretty heavy medical things. My friends are planning a really big thing for my birthday. My family has me so very worried about them. And there is at this point no point denying that I am caught in the midst of a depression spiral that I am truthfully unsure of when it started or really. How to move past it. It’s been eating away at me and now I don’t know where I end and where the depressed monster begins.

I don’t know. I want to but I don’t.

I am going to spend the next week trying to find things that make me happy each day.  I have a couple days off work this week. A small vacation before I start something where I won’t have the chance to take one again. It’s something actually really nice my supervisor is having me do.

I will be better.

And this album is beautiful. Beautiful, but sad.