Fired

10 days ago I was fired from my job. Let go is the polite way of putting it, but it all boils down to the same thing. After nearly 5 years, I find myself unemployed again.

I’m grieving the loss of this job. I loved the company, and I loved my coworkers. Sure, I didn’t love the commute every day and the traffic I’d have to deal with. But I was good at my job. I did my best there. And it feels like, despite the reason not being performance-related, my best wasn’t good enough.

I’m not doing fantastically. I sleep most of the day now to avoid thinking too much. I play with Riley when I am up. And apply for a new job on LinkedIn, Ziprecruiter and Indeed. I’ve already had one interview, and I have another one scheduled for next week. I am taking steps to move forward. It’s just difficult to manage.

I’m terrified about losing my insurance. I applied for Medi-Cal, but I don’t know if Kaiser will accept it. Which means I’m at risk of losing all of my mental health medications. Which puts me at a much higher risk of hurting myself somehow. I’m scared to be off my medication. Not only the mental health ones, but the ones that manage my blood condition and my diabetes, too.

I just have to move through the fear. And stay vigilant. And keep taking the small steps forward.