I keep saying I am going to sit down and write. And I say it and say it and say it and say it. And clearly, I don’t do it nearly as many times I say I am going to. I can’t even really say I’ve been actually writing in a notebook.
My life has become very different from what it was at the start of the year. I’m fully single, for example, for the first time in 3 or 4 years. I have been in such a large and heavy pit of depression that nothing in my home looks the way it should. It’s messy and unkempt and I feel messy and unkempt and I look messy and unkempt. And I’m just angry all the time now.
I’m not used to be angry so often.
My forced re-introduction to singlehood was not easy for me. It was not by my choice. At the very least, I’ve definitely taken steps towards moving past that. I’ve been going to therapy, and talking things out. There has been a lot of reflection and admissions of the less positive aspects of that relationship. And admitting to myself that there is no circumstance in which I would date that person again because of those aspects. I kind of lost myself with wanting to make this person happy and twisted myself to a level I don’t fully recognize. I spent a lot of time in the past year and a half loving someone who didn’t really love me to the same degree, couldn’t love me the same way, and I knew it, and I felt just incredibly lonely as a result.
I’m finding me again. Little by little. And I feel enough like me again to try to open up to someone new.
Work has been less than great. I can’t go into a lot of details here. But it’s become a place I dread having to go to and have since started looking for other positions.
In other news, while I had been more actively involved with my doctors and hospital in the longest time I can remember. In fact, the last time I remember seeing this many doctors was when I had just been given the blood clot diagnosis, and told that I needed a wheelchair to get around and would for the remainder of my life. That bit wasn’t true. Mostly because I’m stubborn. But I can walk. I do it every day. We never did figure out what was wrong with me though. We never worked out why exactly I can’t walk without being in moderate to severe pain.
We actually got answers this time. There’s an actual treatment plan in place that so far I hate but I know it’ll get me better. It’ll get me back to where I was at the start of 2020, where I was at the most poised to get to the general body goals I want to. And there is people keeping me super accountable for not falling into eating disorder habits, which has been flirting pretty heavily with me lately.
This really is just one pile of emotional ranty info dump. I started writing this back in July. And just, kept resent staring at it and trying to get the website up and running again on my own and not knowing anything of what I was doing or where to turn to for help. But… it’s up. On a platform I understand just a little bit better than the old one.
And things are getting better.
And they’ll continue to get better a little bit, day by day.
Shpunkey 