I’m sitting on my lunch break from work, fresh out of a bubble bath with a galaxy bath bomb I got from the Observatory trip I made back in January or February. I would check the calendar, but honestly. When I got it isn’t all that important. But it was nice, and it was relaxing, and it got my brain settled enough to where I can actually sit down to write.
I’ll be honest, I am incredibly glad I am as high functioning as I am. I have no idea how I got through the first part of my workday. I was on some kind of autopilot that just. New the basic steps of my job and was able to take over.
I’ve been awake since 3 a.m. I woke up to the dog I’ve been sitting for frantically licking my face. Which was concerning, because I know I put him in his sleep crate before I laid down last night. Any way. I have a fun mix of mental health issues and disorders, which I will get into later. But they make me semi-prone to night terrors. Which can sometimes include incredibly violent thrashing which can leave a bed in total disarray, and usually lets me find some fun new bruises and/or cuts I did not fall asleep with. I had one of those levels of nightmares in the very brief amount of sleep I was able to get. My arm had completely dislocated (another fun part of my body is just kind of fundamentally broken), and my neck and back have been experiencing a dull, constant ache all day. But I consider myself lucky, overall. It could have been a lot worse.
The after-effects of when this happens usually last for hours. I’m usually trapped in bed or on the floor near my bed or the bathroom or under my desk shaking for hours afterward. This morning, however, I had two small furry bodies nestle themselves on top of me and refuse to move until I had stopped trembling, and stopped crying. Which was weird, because I hadn’t realized that I was crying to begin with. But this dog and cat, pets I’ve been taking care of for the past week, took care of me. They acted like the world’s snuggliest weighted blanket, and then once I had calmed down to where they were willing to get off from on top of me, they stayed curled up next to me until I was ready to move.
It was comforting in a way I had never really experienced before. And rather than be immobilized in some frenzied paralyzing anxiety for five to six hours, I was calm, moving, and getting dressed to leave by 5:45 a.m. Which was good, because the dog was out of food, and the store was just about to open. I know I was still a little out of it. This was completely verified by the man who said something to me, then apologized for speaking to me, and I still feel kind of like an asshole for this because I did not realize I had been spoken to in the first place. And by the actual panic attack, I had over the fact that there were two types of naval oranges, and I didn’t know which one was the orange I liked.
This was all before 7 a.m. I was ready to try to sleep again by 7:30. Instead, I went for a brief walk and tried to clear my head more because I had to be clocked in for work by 8:30. Work has been… interesting. There are now two people I now semi love because of how entertained they made me. And I am forever amazed by the job and the people I work with. I know that at another position, by this point I would be drained to the point of terrifying exhaustion. Instead, I’m mostly alert. I am laughing with co-worked on calls, and watching as the cat wiggles itself and its’ bed off the table they were perched on.
It’s been a day. I’ve been up for 12 hours now, I have to finish packing up my things, cleaning this place up some, and taking my stuff home before going to the airport to pick up my friends. I was able to take a hot bath to start to ease the pain in my back and shoulder, and I have been content to be curled up with the heating pad on my back, music playing softly in the background, and a diet coke for the small dose of caffeine.
I guess. This started rough. This day started rough. But things are okay right now. Things are better than they would have been before. And despite the lingering anxiety that’s been a little more vocal than it normally is. Things are okay.
I am working at moving where this website is hosted, and this blog is going to wind up merged with the blog I had on WordPress for the past several years. I am excited about the things I’m putting into motion regarding my general writing and the things I will be putting out there. And like. I’m excited about my future. Gosh. I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely excited about my future.
I can’t think of a way to end this. So I’m just going to cut it here.
I hope you all have a good day. And that it’s less eventful than mine or at least didn’t start at 3 a.m.
Shpunkey 