Secondary

I feel more like myself than I have in over a year. I’m not overly anxious. I’m not overly depressed. Everything that I am feeling and experiencing right now feels appropriate for the situation the world is currently going through. I feel normal. Or as close to my baseline normal that can be. There are spikes, but it’s all essentially related to I can’t see my friends. I am about to lose my job – and it won’t be waiting for me at the end of the quarantine. My dad wound up in the E.R. yesterday. Things that would (and has, based on other social media posts) upset anyone. The difference is it doesn’t feel all-consuming. It’s not the absolute soul-crushing experience I know I would have gone into a year ago. Or a few months ago.

Which is good – cause I’m not seeing/having sessions with my therapist as much. I’m not leaning on people as much. I’m just. Going through things the best I can. But I also want, or wanted, to maybe try to open myself up to maybe meeting someone.

I mentioned in an earlier entry that I am polyamorous. I am only seeing one person now. I love them. A lot. Being with them makes me so happy and it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re going traveling together hopefully later this year or next year  if COVID has any say. COVID has done a wonderful job of making a lot of my goals/wants for this year not possible. But. There isn’t that room to grow into more. I am his secondary partner. I still go to be alone nearly every night. When I’m upset and I just want to be held or hold someone until things feel better, I don’t have him to do that with most of the time.  I’m not going to live with him at any point. And that’s something I wanted – I want someone I can come home to. Or I did. I don’t know anymore.

I’ve realized that one of the hard things I’m going to experience in poly, is that finding someone who’s also looking for someone to come home to is going to be extraordinarily difficult. 95% of the profiles I’ve seen or gotten a response to, the person has a primary already. Sometimes they are solo poly. Sometimes they are very clear that the only thing they want from me is sex. That was an issue when I was purely looking for monogamous relationships, too.

I’m just kind of whining right now. Which isn’t a great look. But I spent three hours going through profiles today, and the only ones to match me at all were those already in a committed relationship looking for a secondary or a unicorn.

I don’t want to be someone else’s secondary. I don’t think I do. And I am not someone’s unicorn.

I need to change that I don’t know’s of this to an “I know what I want.”

Blaaah.

I guess it’s a good thing I will have a lot of time on my hands soon.