Enough

I haven’t been doing my best. It’s been a lot more of a struggle to exist right now, which is concerning. But I still feel things. I feel more myself than I have been. Just a tired me. A very tired me. A stressed me. A scared me.

I’m working on finding myself in the middle of a pandemic. Surprisingly, it’s not going great.

I feel so much progress being lost right now. I’m back to where I was a year ago with my weight. I’ve put on 20 pounds since September. Which I know shouldn’t mark my self worth or value in any way. But it does. My weight has also been a source of why I am worthless in my head. Why some people want to keep me a secret, or don’t want to touch me or be seen with me. It was a reason given to why I get left behind so much or why people want me to leave. And I know I am clinging to my weight in a very unhealthy way. I know my body dysphoria has always been bad. Each time that number on the scale is bigger than it was before, I know it gets just a little bit worse. And what’s stupid is it’s affecting my relationship with everyone. Because I can’t separate my worth with my weight, and being heavy makes me worthless and unloveable. It doesn’t. Not really. But it does and it has and it’s trapped in my brain with gorilla glue.

Mark that as a thing I really need to work on more.

I sometimes feel like my brain is racing with thoughts. But the thoughts are gibberish and I don’t know what they are. I was told this is just my new medication settling in. But I don’t know that it’s supposed to do that.

I don’t know. I’m tired. I am always tired now. I always want to nap.

Losing my set schedule has not been helping. Losing the ability to see my people, my friends, my family. Hell, work. I’m lucky enough to still have a job for now. But my schedule is inconsistent. The hours are inconsistent. And I’m realizing just how important it was for me to have consistency. Mondays were with my dad. Tuesdays two of my best friends. Wednesdays me. Thursday was with the boyfriend. Friday was either game night or with the movies. Saturday was with friends. Sundays were my swing day. I worked from 8 to 4:30 Monday through Friday, and I had therapy Friday right after.

None of that happens anymore. Not when it’s supposed to. I leave work between 1:45 and 2:30 the days I do go in, which isn’t every day. It’s not supposed to be right now. I wish that I could. I don’t see my friends, ever. I barely see my roommate. I do get to see my boyfriend. But… the past couple times. I’ve left feeling unwanted. Which… is how I’ve started to feel with my friends. And I know that it’s not the case. I know that.  But I still feel it.

I want to see my people. I want to be held and not feel like the people I’m with think I’m being ridiculous. I really want to feel like I’m genuinely wanted to around just because I’m me. Not because I plan things or I organize things or I do other things or let them do whatever they want with me. But because I’m me, and that that’s enough for them. I think… I think that’s all I really want right now. I want to know I’m enough for the people I love.

That I’m enough for a job. I thought I had a pretty solid lead somewhere. But it’s been over a week since I was supposed to have heard from them, with no response.

That I’m enough for my friends.

That I’m enough for my boyfriend.

That I’m enough for my family.

I should feel that way already. It’s… it’s probably the biggest goal I need to set for myself. Or the biggest thing I need work to on.