So.
The world is on fire and also quarantined. I’m kind of wondering if we’re on the verge of an actual apocalypse, but that also just does not help anything. But. I have a lot to worry about with the effects of the Corona Virus. How it’s affected me, and the people I love, and just the city I live in. But I can’t think about that too much in one sitting right now, because my brain devolves into panicked screaming really quickly. It’s a large part of why I haven’t done the daily gratitude the past few days.
In the meantime.
The forced isolation has given me a lot of time for introspection, which has been so incredibly needed. I’ve been disconnected from myself on and for the past couple of years. In the past year, it’s translated to also being disconnected from others. And it started to get really bad again despite medication. I was having difficulty before the lockdown mode went into effect.
I’ve considered myself an introvert since I was about 19. Before then, I knew I was pretty extroverted. But I was also awkward as all hell despite trying desperately hard. I always seemed to be the person that got left behind in group activities and outings. Like, pretty consistently. And between that, the emotional/mental abuse I was being dealt at home and the significant life trauma event that happened while I was 19. I changed. I took a lot more comfort and regained energy and mental stability when I was alone than when I was others. I liked being around people. I loved my friends. I loved the various partners I had at a time. But I couldn’t deal with large groups anymore. To this day, I have trouble with large groups.
But. I ‘ve realized that I am recharging from certain people. Two of my best friends and J. When I’m with them it’s just like I’ve been plugged in and even if am exhausted… I can focus and at least be present. And I always feel better after time with them.
It’s been suggested that I am not purely introverted, as I’ve believed now for over a decade. But an extroverted introvert. Which I’ve never heard of. And I don’t know what to make of it. But the few people I’ve talked to say it makes sense. And I don’t know.
It’s more to think about.
And this has been a rambly mess while I attempt to distract myself from everything going on right now.
I miss my friends. I miss cuddling.
Hopefully, the world heals soon.
Shpunkey 